The Order of the Bad Habits

Lust
The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee the freedom to indulgently kiss the hand of any willing wife from the company of St.George. Although forgiveness from the honorable Cardinal doth this parchment bestow, retribution from a wrathful husband does it not foreclose. Make the action of your mind’s intent occur in the cloak of night for surely the shadows will hide your lustful deed. Children does this missive not include.

Gluttony
The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee an indulgence to sup apon a meal of no less than three meats and a turnip; from the body of a willing servant. Care must be taken not to defile the meal with the unclean blood of the commoner, for to do so would surely taint the repast in a manner most unholy and invoke the wicked company of Beelzebub.

Wrath
The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee an indulgence to Pope-Slap any servant foolish enough to present a meal colder than the animal from whence it came. This parchment entitles the woeful receiver of the aforementioned meal to promptly kick the ignorant servant, or any servant within a reasonable kick-able distance. The master may adorn a suitably larger boot for greater kicking impetus, however the length of this boot may not exceed one third the bearer’s height.

Slothe
The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee the indulgence of Sloth. Upon reading this notice, the bearer is entitled to immediately fall under the influence of slothfulness and may choose not to continue reading this parchment. Therefore this message entitles the reader to not feel obligated to finish reading this sentence and the bearer may casually drift into the arms of sleep.

The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee the indulgence of Sloth. The bearer of this parchment may pass on any required chore in a suitably nonchalant fashion. The bearer may then delegate the aforementioned task to one of a lesser stature for God speaks to those that are closer to himself. In light of this thought, men and women of a taller stature are naturally and quite obviously more godly.

Envy
The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee an indulgence to resent any competitor who bears shinier armour than thou. Forgiveness from this indulgence allows the bearer to be envious no more than three different suitably shiny items. For a limited period of time, carrying two copies of this pardon will allow their owner the remarkable ability to be envious of eight different shiny things at any one time.

Pride
The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee an indulgence to assume the role of a common braggart and annouce thyself as the true winner of this festival’s grand tournament! In thine glory, drunk in the ecstasy of power, you may make the following proclamation, which until the dawn of the ensuing day, shall remain true and amazing: Thine manhood is disproportionately large, even in grips of winter.

Greed
The grace of Cardinal Louis Aleman doth grant thee an indulgence to requesition a common resource and resell it to the populace at unreasonable prices. Permission to barter or lend is expressly forbidden as these are the practises or witches, heretics and fish mongers. Resources included in this pardon may not include alcohol or communion wine, but may include toilet parchment, small spoons or shoe bindings.